♥ TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT MEME
↳ feel free to adjust sentences to make it fit your muse better!
- [ TEXT ] I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
- [ TEXT ] This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left…bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
- [ TEXT ] I bet your mom’s never met a girl who’s thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
- [ TEXT ] Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry’s mind
- [ TEXT ] You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn’t have predicted the housing crisis.
- [ TEXT ] I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
- [ TEXT ] I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
- [ TEXT ] I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
- [ TEXT ] Don’t tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
- [ TEXT ] Don’t take a pillow from my bed. You don’t know which ones of them my vagina has been on
- [ TEXT ] I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that’s not awesome customer service, I don’t know what is.
- [ TEXT ] my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it’s literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
- [ TEXT ] that’s what I’m here for. I’m literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
- [ TEXT ] sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
- [ TEXT ] All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
- [ TEXT ] Dude I turned down free booze. I think I’m growing as a person.
- [ TEXT ] Can’t tell if it’s the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
- [ TEXT ] I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
- [ TEXT ] it was a hallmark card with butt plugs
- [ TEXT ] Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It’ll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
- [ TEXT ] It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
- [ TEXT ] His ex told me that she wanted me to “take care of” him but from the way she said it I couldn’t tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
- [ TEXT ] If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
- [ TEXT ] UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
- [ TEXT ] We’re lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we’re okay. I think they all understand.
- [ TEXT ] Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you’ve dug for yourself. asking for a friend
- [ TEXT ] i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering “why” in various inflections.
- [ TEXT ] Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
- [ TEXT ] Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
- [ TEXT ] I couldn’t find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
- [ TEXT ] Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I’ve never met before.
- [ TEXT ] Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
- [ TEXT ] how do i act around someone who’s shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
- [ TEXT ] he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
- [ TEXT ] I never imagine I’d say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
- [ TEXT ] Why can’t they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I’m meant to be?
- [ TEXT ] There’s nothing like when u really click with a stripper
- [ TEXT ] Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
- [ TEXT ] I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
- [ TEXT ] Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
- [ TEXT ] He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
- [ TEXT ] That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
- [ TEXT ] You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him “shouldn’t you be yelling at dragons”
- [ TEXT ] I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.